6 Reasons You Go Back and Forth with Alcohol
The first time I tried to stop drinking I sat around angry and jealous. I tried to remove alcohol from my life and kept on living the same routine. I thought, “other people need help, not me” so I did it alone and my husband had to deal with my crankiness.
Other people were clearly hardcore alcoholics, not future moderation pros like me lol
All I wanted was to be able to drink again someday because not drinking was sad and boring. I didn't want to be deprived or left out of social stuff. I truly believed that I could cure myself with a break, so I focused on moderating someday, not on observing the benefits of sobriety or doing any of the work.
If you're struggling with the back and forth, then lets dig into these 6 points.
You're trying to do the same stuff sober that you did while drinking
We label our drinking as a bad habit, but alcohol takes over our lives and becomes the main focus. We think about it all the time. Alcohol determines who our friends will be and what hobbies/activities we want to do. You can't quit drinking and continue to live a life that was built around alcohol.
Do different stuff. If you've never done it with alcohol, then it's not going to be as big of a trigger.
You're going out around alcohol when you aren't ready
We don't want things to have to change because we quit drinking. It's okay for things to change though and they can change for the better. You may find that a lot of your friendships only existed because you liked to get drunk together. Those will naturally fade away as your interests change. I discussed this in more detail in a recent bonus episode, Q2: How to Answer “Why Aren't You Drinking?”
You're trying to do it by yourself
We feel like we “should” be able to do it on our own, but quitting drinking with support just makes it easier. I was prejudging things and determining that they weren't for me without giving them a chance (like support meetings). If you listened to my recent episode about 55 tips to quit drinking, then you may have heard one tip, “disconnection leads to relapse” from our member Mary Alice.
It's not that you have to do a bunch of sober stuff every day forever and it needs to take up a ton of time, but you do need to have a routine or a program (however you prefer to call it). When we start feeling like we don't need podcasts, books, meetings, therapy, or community, then it is much easier for thoughts of drinking again to get us. If you're struggling to make sobriety stick, then I encourage you to get some support and try something new. My community is always open to you if you'd like to join us.
You see not drinking as deprivation
Often, we going into sobriety thinking it's going to suck. We expect to be deprived, lonely, bored and sad. This won't last forever though, and the more proof you get that you can have fun, socialize, and relax without alcohol, the more you disconnect the idea of not drinking with deprivation. This is something I discuss in my course The Sober Mindset.
You don't understand what your triggers are
I see this a lot. Someone will drink and when I try to help them analyze what happened, they have no idea what set off the craving. If you don't know what your triggers are, then you can't protect yourself from them and you're relying on willpower and resisting urges to stay sober. That isn't a good long term plan. There is a lesson in The Sober Mindset about how to identify your triggers if it's something you're struggling with.
You secretly hope you can moderate someday
The only reason I was able to get sober for good was because I let go of my hopes and dreams of moderating someday. Believing I could figure it out and eventually break the “bad habit” was why I continued to stay stuck. If you secretly believe you'll be able to drink again someday, then you need to work on collecting proof.
If you go back to drinking and see it's still exactly the same, then that's proof.
If you do something sober that you were convinced you needed alcohol for and have a great time, then that's proof too!
What to do about it
If you are struggling with the back and forth cycle then it's time to try something new. Make an appointment with a therapist, check out a meeting, or join a community. If you continue to try to be sober the same way as you have in the past, then you will continue to get the same result.
Recommended episodes on making sobriety stick:
E154: keep coming back. Relapse is not the end
E153: surviving the summer sober
E151: why your attempts to quit drinking aren't working
E150: 15 moderation strategies I tried to control my drinking
E143: how to stay accountable in your sobriety
E125: why you can't stop drinking once you start
E117: why sobriety eventually just clicks
E99: why we can never drink again
E97: why we keep believing it'll be different this time
E91: do you want to be sober or do you want to drink without the consequences
